Monday, January 28, 2013

One of those days


Today has been one of those days.  Quinn is sick yet again with the flu and Aisley had an accident in bed last night, which never happens.  The winter blues are in full effect and the snow was non stop.  I feel cold and tired and I wish that days like today didn't happen, yet at the same time I know that I need to embrace them.  When everything seems to be going wrong and I don't feel like this situation is ever going to work, I walk around my house and try not to burst into tears while my little ones play.  How can I make this work, how can I make things better for them.  I want to be selfish, I want to do whats best for me but I know that I can't, they are and always will be my number one priority so I need to breath deeply and remember that.  I've played out today in my head a few times, I have changed things and moved them around. I have taken some of the lessons learned and filed them away, how to talk, what not to say, what needs to be said.  I am at a loss and I am frustrated, but that's okay.  Today was not a good day but I need to have those days, we all need to have those days.  It reminds me what is important and where my priorities need to be.  I look into their sweet little faces and I find some peace, today was hard but today I was strong.  So tonight instead of writing an email that I know I have to write and having a fight I know I will have to have I decided to look at some pictures.  I found a few from a walk that Aisley and I took in the woods the other week with her Aunt and cousins.  I looked at the innocence in their faces and the pure love that they have for each other.  There is no way to even describe the love that you can clearly see in their eyes.  They are unaware of all the pain that can come later in life and how things can go from bad to worse.  They see love and know love and trust that those that love them will always love them and be there for them. It is my job to keep her that way.  I don't want that to change, I want her to feel that way for as long as I can, I wish I could keep her that way forever.  I think out of everything that has happened over the last few months what hurts me the most is my worry of how they will handle the situation.  I am their mother I should be protecting them from pain, not causing it, they are just so young it hardly seems fair to be doing this to them.  But I know that in the long run this is what is best for them.  They deserve a happy life filled with love and this is the best way for them to get that.  So on tough days like today, I need to look for the love and find our happiness.
 

 
 







 
 
The hard times will get easier and it will be for them and because of them that I will get through this and come out on the other side a better me.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Pinterest Challenge Week 4

Have you ever noticed that reading just a few words strung together can change your mood?  I know at least for me it does.  Words have the power to lift you up or drag you down.  It doesn't take much, just a few words properly placed to pull at a part of you that you may not have know was there or vulnerable.  Emotions are a tricky thing and the right words can help me sort through what I am be feeling.  I have pinned a lot of quotes on Pinterest and my family has pinned a lot for me too.  Those quotes have helped me through my anger and sadness, they've helped to push me back up and motivate me to push on.  So this week I decided to take my favourite quotes and put them all together at my desk.  These strong words are now right beside me to help me find the words that I need to move on and move forwards, to find strength and direction in my life.  I like that as I find new ones I will be able to add to this little piece of art.
 
 
 
 
 


Pinterest Challenge Week 1

Pinterest Challenge Week 2

Pinterest Challenge Week 3

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Celebrate

On the 8th of January my little Aisley turned three and this past weekend we invited friends and family over to help celebrate our 3 year old.  On Friday it was looking like we were going to have to cancel.  Aisley was not feeling well and the slight fever that she had been playing with the past few days seemed like it was going to be moving in for a longer stay. I tucked her into bed that night and explained to her that we may have to hold off on her party and we would celebrate on another day.  She very sweetly and sleepily looked up at me and said "no mama, I all better on my party".  Saturday she woke up fever free and with a bounce in her step so .... party on!

This year we kept it small and simple, a few friends and family.  I love the sound of little ones running around my house and friends chatting in different rooms.  I love knowing this is our house, a happy place, a cozy space that we can gather and laugh.  I want my girls to grow up in a house that is full, full of laughter, friends, love, and family.  Aisley was so good at her party and was so open with her hugs and thank yous.  Watching her grow has been amazing, the last year the changes in her have been incredible.  I love watching the shyness melt away and her sweet smile coming out, she loves having friends over to share her toys with, so Sunday was perfect.

Last week Quinn took it upon herself to make Aisley another Birthday gift.  She had bought her nail polish already and made her a card on her actual Birthday but she wanted Aisley to have something from her to open at the party.  She did some beautiful drawings and found a bag, she added tissue paper and put it in her room for a few days so Aisley wouldn't see it.  On the morning of her party Aisley awoke early, as she ofter does and Quinn slept in for a while.  When we heard Quinn wake she came bounding out of her room on a search for Aisley.  With her arms out wide and a huge smile on her face Quinn yelled "Happy Birthday Party Day Aisley"  She was so excited for Aisley, it was such a kind and pure moment to watch them hug and whisper about the upcoming party. You better believe that Quinn's gift was the very first that Aisley opened.

 
 
 
 
An amazing banner from a fantastic friend
 
 
 
 
 
 
I want to teach my girls that it is important to stop and celebrate those that we love.  Yes our lives are different now and we are a family of three, but that does not change the strength of love we have for each other, if anything it makes it stronger.  We are lucky to be together and have each other to celebrate with.  Our lives and our hearts are full, and we are blessed to have friends and family in our lives that love and support us.  My sweet little Aisley is three and no matter what is going on in my life there is nothing more important then celebrating the three amazing years we have had with her.
 
 
 
 



Friday, January 18, 2013

Pinterest Challenge Week 3

This week I decided to do a little experiment with the kids for my Pinterest Challenge.  There was one that I had stuck in my head, I didn't read about how to do it or the details of what to do with it, but the picture looked interesting so I wanted to give it a try.



We started off with a bar of Ivory soap and popped it in the microwave, and put it on for 2 minutes, but I think it only went for just over 1 minute, we probably could have let it go longer.  We watched as the soap slowly started to grow, I think this got the best reaction from the kids out of the whole craft.



After we took it out of the microwave it was very flaky, so the kids broke it apart into the food processor (this is very very messy).  We poured in a little water and mixed it all together until we were able to mould it.  I gave some to each child and they picked out mini Cookie cutters.  We pressed the soap into the cutters and very slowly worked them out.
 
 


When they were done we left them for a few days so they could dry and then I let the kids colour them. 
 
Side Notes: It was a very messy craft.  When you clean up try to sweep as much as you can, my table was really really soapy when i wiped it down with a wet cloth.  The house smelled really fresh and clean from the soap being in the microwave, and the kids really enjoyed it.

Pinterest Challenge Week 1

Pinterest Challenge Week 2

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Starting Over

I am a planner.  It's a plain and simple fact that over the years I have learned to embrace, don't get me wrong I have my moments of spontaneity and I could not live without those but in general I like to have my calendar filled with all my upcoming events.  When the seasons begin to change the girls and I sit down and write a wish list of all the things we would like to do during the upcoming months.  We plan the upcoming holidays and all the activities that we want to do on our weekends.  Where we want to go, who we want to visit and all the special memories we want to share.  Since Quinn started school last year my favourite to plan very quickly became the Summer.  I was so excited to have her home again and we spent the last few weeks of school writing lists filled with all the wonderful things we would do over the next couple of months.
 
What I learned this Summer is that you can plan all you want and have list upon list of all the things you want to do but you also need to make room for the unexpected.  Life can throw some pretty wild and furious curve balls and if your not ready to drop everything you know and just go with it life will chew you up and spit you back out pretty fast.
 
One warm July evening sitting out in my backyard on my deck, sipping a watermelon vodka drink I had made, editing some photos my husband came home and told me he wanted to leave me and that he had felt that way for the last year. 
 
At that moment my world stopped.
 
What was I supposed to do, a stay at home mom with two kids, and my husband is walking away, he has made this huge decision, I have no say, this life altering moment is happening and there is nothing I can do to change it.  Of course we did the whole counseling thing after this happened but he made it very evident his heart was long gone.  The defining moment in all of this for me was when he had to really explain why he no longer loved me, how do you just fall out of love.  So one night we sat down and he read me a letter that he wrote to me explaining why he felt the way he did.  Now I have been bullied in the past but nothing compares to someone you loved for thirteen years saying the most awful things about you straight to your face with no emotion or remorse.  The defining words in this half hour of hell for me were "you don't contribute to our family"  for me those words ended everything. 

So here I was still in the same situation but now it was real, now it was going to happen and what was I going to do about it.  So after a lot of tears and a lot of tough conversations with myself I decided that I had to find a way to continue on the path that I had chosen for the girls and I.  I would not let this change the kind of Mother I was or that I wanted to be.
 
Unfortunately I have been hearing more and more woman talking about this same experience happening to them.  I actually remember having conversations with my ex about people who had done this and how we couldn't believe that it could happen.  I felt for those women, how could they not know, how could they not see it coming?  It was one of my greatest fears during our relationship, one that he was aware of and told me I never had to worry about.  Now please understand I am not completely naive, did I have a perfect marriage, no, but really who does.  We have two young children and life is busy and demanding.  I had been watching him pull away from the girls and I for a while but he always told me he was fine, we were fine, and I had nothing to worry about.  Really what else could I do.  In the end he was a good actor and a good liar and I believed him.  Shame on me.

So the big question that I had, and I still have, is how do I move forward, how does one just move on?  How do you take a huge side step off the path you have chosen and continue walking.  I wanted to curl up into a ball in my bed and not get up again, I wanted to break down, I wanted to fall apart, but I couldn't.  I have two amazing children who need me and I need them.  They are more important to me then anything in this world and I would be strong for them, I want them to see and to know that their Mama is strong.  That's not to say that I didn't have my moments.  When I felt like I was going to break I held my girls tighter and I cuddled with them for longer.  I would make it through, I would come out stronger.  Life is full of choices, I did not choose for my marriage to end, but I will choose how I deal with it, how I react and the path it will take me down.

I spoke with my family everyday, we had good conversations and bad, some positive some negative, I was mad, sad, hurt and angry all at once.  Everyday I felt like I moved through all seven stages of  grief, it would feel like a week had passed by when it had only been a day.  I was tired, very tired all the time and I felt like there would never be an end to how I felt.  My children and my family lead me through the unknown and I am so blessed to have them.  I still have miles to go and I know my journey has only begun but I know I am in a good place now and things will get better.

I did a lot of writing over the last 6 months, a lot of it will never see the light of day.  The best way for me to get through the anger was to write, and trust me I had a lot of hateful things to say.  At times I felt sick, it was like a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach that would move up into my throat and I would have choke it back down, the hateful words are not helpful, just because he did it to me doesn't mean had to do it back.  Oh how I wanted to confront him, say everything that was on my mind, tell him how he hurt me, tell him all the horrible things he had done to me.  I sat through him doing that to me, and I know how bad that hurts, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
 
I have learned a lot about myself during this time.  One of my sisters, not long after this all happened, actually made a comment that I seemed more like myself then I had in a long time.  That really made me think, I started to examine the last few years of my life and the decisions I had made.  At some point in the midst of a husband and children I had lost myself.  I wasn't happy and a lot of that had to do with the fact that I was just a shell of the person I wanted to be.  Yes I am a good mother, I know that, but I am more then just a mother.  I have goals and dreams that I am not going to give up on, I know that I can do more and be more, not only for my kids but for me.
 
There is a quote by Mary Oliver that I seem to have on auto replay in my head these days, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”  I feel like I have been playing it safe for the last 13 years, I will never again let someones negativity take over.  I need to be true to who I am and where I need to go.  Yes that warm night in July my world was ripped apart, but sometimes that is what a person needs, some of the most beautiful things in life are built from for the ashes of ruins.  In the end what matters most is not how others see you, but how you see yourself, and I must say I like myself more now then I did 8 months ago.




Our little Algon

On December 1st of every year we have our little elf on the shelf that comes to visit for the month to report back to Santa about how the girls are doing.  Ours started coming a few years ago and Quinn decided to name him Algon.  All December it is part of our routine to get up in the morning and find where our little Algon has moved.  I am so happy to report that he moved every night this year and that all his reports to Santa must have been good because Santa brought the girls exactly what they asked for.  We will miss you Algon, see you next December.